“My heart pounds in my chest…fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking.” Psalm 55:4,5

It started the minute I put my car in park at the doctor’s office.  A wave of nausea not associated with the pregnancy but with pure anxiety and panic.  I had 30 minutes before my appointment and already couldn’t breathe.

Praying and practicing breathing techniques kept me from throwing up or passing out but the panic overwhelmed me.  It wasn’t mental either, but something physical overtaking my body.  I realized in hindsight this is normally the week the baby’s heart has stopped beating with previous pregnancies and possibly what brought on the mini panic attack.

At one point my 4 year old put his hand on my leg and said, “Oh Mommy, it’s going to be OK.”  Jesus had him say that I just know it (out of the mouths of babes…).  I kept praying for peace and for the feelings to stop…finally they did.  When I saw a gummy bear-looking image on the monitor with a steadily thumping heart.  “Praise Jesus!” I kept saying.

I have the same ultrasound tech each week, and bless her.  She’s been in my shoes before and I’m so grateful God gave her to me this pregnancy.

I don’t mean to put so much hope into this tiny baby’s heart, but I do.  I know my main hope is in Jesus Christ and His Word but there is so much in this sweet baby growing in my belly, too.  And not just for me, but for my whole family.  Jesus is the one to complete our souls.  This baby is the one to complete our little family.

God’s word tells us over and over not to fear (because it is a huge, natural emotion), but what to do when a physical fear overtakes your body?  I realize as I get older I struggle more with anxiety and fear…I don’t like this about myself but I know God can use it and work in it and make me more dependent upon Him.

I go back to the doctor today and I am prepared now for a panic attack but praying I am armed enough spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically for it to stay away.

I know God is good and He is for me and this baby.  He knows what He is doing and I cannot forget that in any and all situations.

“Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.” Isaiah 41:10

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20

“There’s no heartbeat, is there?” First words out of my mouth as I saw the ultrasound on the screen.

“Now calm down,” the tech responded, “…I see a heartbeat!”

“And the yolk sac?! Is it smaller!?” I asked anxiously after noticing the circular sac looking smaller than last week.

“It’s perfect,” she said with a smile on her face.

WHAT?!  Wow.  JOY. Relief. Praise. Tears.

Even though my insecurities rose to the surface initially, I really did think we would see a heartbeat.  What I didn’t expect to see was a normal sized yolk sac.  I, of little faith, had honestly gone through every scenario except the one that actually happened.

In early pregnancy, the yolk sac is responsible for providing nourishment to the growing fetus.  At my ultrasound last week, the yolk sac was enlarged which isn’t always a good sign.  This was the red flag that gave us a 50% chance with this baby.  We’ve experienced this before and it didn’t end well; I will share more about that one day.

I truly believe the Lord performed an amazing miracle and we are overjoyed!  I thank each one of you for your prayers.  I don’t know what next weeks ultrasound will show but I do know that God in His awesome grace and love gave us tangible hope by lifting this “red flag”.

I couldn’t quit thinking of Ephesians 3:20 after seeing the beautiful sight I saw.  The Lord went above and beyond my human thoughts and did what He is best at, miracles.  I think sometimes we forget He still does this.  Everyday.  He is able, we just doubt.  He is willing, we just don’t ask.  He is able to do more than we can think or imagine, in any situation.  Let’s start asking Him to do something bigger and better with our prayers than our minds can grasp.

Now to Him.  Be the glory forever and ever.

Just because God can doesn’t mean He will. But just because He hasn’t doesn’t mean He won’t. The bottom line is that He is able.  ~Pricilla Shirer (God is Able)

Waiting: stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens; used to indicate that one is eagerly impatient to do something or for something to happen.

A few weeks ago, I was up at 4am busily getting ready to travel to a conference. I had almost forgotten about the pregnancy test I had taken that early morning, but thankfully, I happened to glance at it before walking out the door. Expecting to see only one line, I did a triple take when I saw not one, but two obvious pink lines. I didn’t even have to tilt it a certain way or put it under the kitchen counter lights to kind-of-maybe see two lines, but there were two lines, as plain as day, staring back at me.

Shock was my initial reaction coupled with great fear. But then I found myself smiling at Gods amazing timing of it all. I then reminded myself of my past and immediately would be fearful again, not allowing myself to get excited or hopeful.

You see, I’ve had experience studying pregnancy tests (anyone else?)…this is my 7th pregnancy. I hold two of my precious babies here on earth while Jesus holds the rest of them safely in Heaven.

The road of miscarriages is not one I would wish upon anyone, but through it all God has been good and faithful. Even when I’ve wanted to turn my back to Him through the pain, He is good, full of grace, and loves me more than I can comprehend. Even when I have lashed out in anger at the loss I have felt, I know I am not alone nor do my tears or prayers fall empty. They fall into His mighty hands that hold all of me. 

We’ve gone through miscarriages publicly and we’ve gone through them privately and either way it is hard. But I know when I don’t talk about what is going on in my life or when I’m not real about my hearts desires or the pain I have experienced, God can’t get the glory.

So. There is a tiny heart beating inside of me; a life growing rapidly inside my body. This life is a precious gift from God. Just in the few short weeks we have known, this pregnancy has been such an amazing blessing, such a joy; and for that I am grateful. Grateful that the Lord chose me to carry this baby. Whether it be to full term or just a few more weeks, it is a life. A God-given, God-ordained life. And I will praise Him no matter what. Of course my prayer is that this is our baby #3 to have and hold, but I know that God’s ways and plans are not always my ways and plans. I trust Him in this journey. No matter what.  Even when the doctor says there is a 50/50 chance this baby will make it, I will put my hope in the Author of life, leaning into Him and not my own understanding.  I will remember the beautiful sound I recently heard of a strong thumping heart and will never forget the awesome sight of it beating away.

And so we wait.